


Killing Me Softly

by alexofmacedonia



Series: Lost in the Echo [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Self Harm, Trans, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 09:21:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexofmacedonia/pseuds/alexofmacedonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Individual moments and behaviors didn't seem alarming when observed by themselves, but adding them all together equaled a giant problem that Chloe didn't notice til it was almost too late. By that point, Beca had almost slipped from her grasp.</p><p>Chloe thought she knew everything about her girlfriend: that the badass exterior was a facade, wrapped tightly over layers of vulnerabilities, hiding insecurities like a bulletproof vest. Unlike their shared favorite song though, Beca's defenses were far from titanium. As much as Chloe wished she could protect her girlfriend, she was finally seeing the underlying cracks and didn't know what she was supposed to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Killing Me Softly

**Author's Note:**

> Shout-out to aurorscully on tumblr for helping me edit this beast. Some parts were difficult to get exactly right, but I'm happy with the final product.
> 
> Yes, this is an AU fic where Beca is trans. Inb4 transphobic language and "misunderstanding of transgender/gender dysphoric feelings": The reason that she is referred to with female pronouns throughout the fic is because in this part, she hasn't fully accepted it of herself, let alone chosen what to do about these feelings and thoughts. The way that Beca deals with her gender identity confusion is not and will not be the same as any other trans masculine person in the world. Every person deals with their gender identity in different ways.
> 
> The fic title comes from the song covered by The Fugees.

-six months ago-  
  
Beca trailed kisses down Chloe's neck to her collarbone, nipping at the sensitive skin with her teeth and soothing it over with her tongue. The low moans coming from the redhead were more than enough encouragement to begin unbuttoning Chloe's shirt, revealing full breasts enclosed in a red lace bra. Beca straddled her lap, dipping her head toward Chloe's to kiss her deeply, and palmed her breasts over the bra.

Chloe's hips began to buck upward into Beca's crotch, and she reached up to tug the other woman's shirt off. Beca grabbed her wrists before she got too far and held them against her thighs. "No, no, this is about you, babe," she murmured into the redhead's mouth.  
  
Chloe broke away from the kiss and studied her girlfriend's face. "Bec, it's been you taking care of my needs for the last couple weeks. Don't you need release too?"  
  
The brunette shook her head, flatly said, "I’m fine," and went back kneading the perfect breasts in front of her. Chloe gasped and arched into the contact, and growled "then make me cum," as she pulled Beca's lips back down to hers.

 

* * *

 

-four months ago-  
  
Chloe had had a long day at work. Running around bussing tables and dealing with rude patrons who never tipped well made her irritable, and so when she came home and Beca blew off her advances in favor of working on a mix, she snapped.  
  
"You're my girlfriend, Beca. I shouldn't have to try so hard to get you to be affectionate with me!"  
  
The brunette took her giant headphones off and set them on the desk beside her laptop. She put her hands up in surrender and turned around in her chair. "Chloe, I'm sorry. I just don't feel in the mood. I'll give you a back rub or something if you want, though."  
  
"What I _want_ is to be able to kiss you. Touch you. Show you how much I love you without you shrinking away!" Chloe stormed out of the spare room and down the hall to the living room. The television blasted on, the noise filling the apartment.  
  
Beca leaned forward in her chair, her face in her hands. She still didn't know how to explain to Chloe what she was feeling. Why she was avoiding sex. She had to fix this somehow, though. She got up and walked down the hall, stopping next to the couch. "Can I sit and watch TV with you?" she asked softly.  
  
"Don't you have that important mix to work on? Or anything else more important than me?" came the response, thick with suppressed tears.  
  
Beca sighed and sat next to her girlfriend. "Chloe, I'm sorry. I just..."  
  
The redhead muted the TV and leveled a glare at Beca. "Just what? Do you just not want me anymore? Do you even still love me?"  
  
Beca's jaw dropped. "What?! You're really asking me that?"  
  
"I can count the number of times you've let me make love to you in the last three months on one hand. One hand, Beca. Please tell me how that doesn't look weird."  
  
Beca shifted uneasily, "I'm not cheating on you or anything like that. I just haven't really wanted to be touched. I'm sorry."  
  
Chloe looked down, twisting a loose thread on the cushion beneath her between her fingers. She quietly asked, "Did I do something?"  
  
Beca's heart twisted in pain knowing that that thing, that thing that was so important in her mind, that thing that she couldn't bring herself to say out loud yet, that thing that she didn't even want to admit to herself yet, was causing her girlfriend so much grief. "Chloe Beale. I love you more than you will ever know. I'm sorry I've made you feel unwanted, and I'm sorry I've been a bad partner, but..." She trailed off, unable to explain herself. "I'm sorry. We could make out, if you still want? I think I would like that. I'm ... I'm just sorry, okay?"  
  
Chloe looked into her eyes and saw that she was truly apologetic. Beca looked like she was in pain and a little quiver at the edge of her mouth told that she was near tears herself.  
  
She could never stay angry at that face for too long.

 

* * *

 

-three months ago-  
  
The bed was rocking slightly, nudging Chloe out of sleep. At first she wondered if there was an earthquake, or maybe Beca was trying to wake her up, but then she heard a low gasp. Even though it had been a while, Chloe still knew the gasp that her girlfriend would make when her center was first entered. A second later, a wet sound confirmed that Beca was touching herself.  
  
For a moment, Chloe considered whether or not she should roll to her side and offer to take over. Beca was obviously in the mood, so she should take advantage of the opportunity, right?  
  
It was such a personal moment though. Beca had clearly made the choice to take care of her needs herself instead of waking her or asking her before they fell asleep.  
  
The movements next to her had become erratic, fast, and then stopped altogether as Chloe heard Beca try to keep a deep moan from escaping her lips as she climaxed.  
  
'At least she can bring herself pleasure,' she thought with a twinge of bitterness.  
  
All of a sudden, a loud sob burst from Beca, and she quickly rolled to her side to silence her tears in her pillow.  
  
Chloe waited a minute, unsure if she should move to comfort the smaller woman. When Beca didn't calm down immediately, she lightly tapped her shoulder. "Baby, what's wrong?" she asked, and silently added, 'Please tell me what's wrong and why you're crying after masturbating.'  
  
Beca's back briefly stiffened at the touch, but then she turned to face Chloe. Sniffling, she pressed her lips against Chloe's forehead and said, "I'm fine. I just had a bad dream, that's all. You had died and when I woke up, I couldn't handle thinking about if it were real." She kissed Chloe on the lips and settled against her side, laying her head on the redhead's shoulder.  
  
Beca lied. She'd just lied to her face. What could be so wrong that she's lying to cover it up?  
  
The small body curled up next to her grew still, and Chloe heard her breath even into sleep. Tracing circles on her bare arm, careful not to wake her back up, she prayed that Beca could let her in. Soon.

* * *

  
-two months ago-  
  
Beca had always enjoyed her privacy, and Chloe did her best to give it to her. Now, though, she was locking the door to shower alone, getting up earlier and going to bed later, and was putting in long hours at the studio. When she was home, Chloe kept finding her at her laptop, mixing. Well, that was the answer Beca always gave. The redhead had secretly watched her for a while from the doorway, and saw that Beca wasn't truly working on anything. Music was playing, and her headphones were on, but the brunette sat there with her shoulders slumped, staring at her hands on the keyboard.

Chloe felt herself being nudged awake. They had had a month-long dry spell, where all Beca seemed to want to do was cuddle. She rolled over, ready to ask what was wrong. Hands pulled her pajama shirt up her torso and lips gently pressed into hers. Chloe raised her body to meet with Beca’s and allow her shirt to be removed. Their tongues explored each other’s mouths, and Chloe could taste a hint of lime, salt, and liquor on her girlfriend’s lips.

Beca ran her hands up and down Chloe’s naked torso, raking her fingernails lightly over her breasts. Taking one hardening nipple into her mouth, she twisted and pulled on the other nipple, and then switched to repeat her actions. Chloe’s hands were tangled in the bed sheets, her moans urging her girlfriend to go lower. She felt Beca slide her panties down, and then felt the heat of her naked center right above hers as the smaller woman straddled her lap.

Chloe allowed her girlfriend to take the reins, only participating by kissing her neck and lips. Beca then stunned her as she took the redhead’s hand and moved it down to rub against her clit. She tried to move her fingers to push inside the younger woman’s center, but Beca asked her to please just stay at the nub on top. Since Beca was grinding right over Chloe’s own naked crotch, the movement of her hand got them both off at the same time.

After riding out their highs and Beca put her sleep shorts back on, she curled up next to Chloe’s side, wrapping an arm around her. “Thank you,” she whispered before she fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

-four days ago-  
  
Beca's slender finger pointed at a picture on her laptop screen. "I like the look of that one. It seems balanced and not too large for you to handle."  
  
Looking over her shoulder, Chloe pointed at a picture in a different row. "What about this one? You can still wear it in a harness, but it would give you some pleasure too by rubbing against you while you thrust."  
  
The brunette clicked on the icon of the strap on to see more specifications. Chloe watched her expression, unsure of the last time she had looked so happy. Chloe was glad to see her smile again. Sure, Chloe felt much happier since they’d started having sex again, but she hadn’t seen that same happiness reflected in Beca’s face, until now.

Chloe hadn’t heard Beca repeat the incident of masturbating and crying since that first time. After a month and a half of Beca-initiated late night sex, with Beca needing to drink less before she made her move, she felt like things might finally be turning around for her girlfriend. That morning, over their bowls of cereal, when Beca asked about using toys, Chloe didn’t hesitate to say yes. If the younger woman wanted to use something in the bedroom – or anywhere else for that matter, Chloe wasn’t shy – then she was more than happy to oblige.

“So this one, the one that would rub against me too, is within our price range,” Beca said excitedly, snapping Chloe out of her thoughts. She put her hand on the brunette’s shoulder and squeezed. “If that’s the one you want, get it.”

Beca placed her hand over Chloe’s. “Are you completely sure? This isn’t weird for you?”

Chloe’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Why would it be weird? It just adds a little flavor to our sex life.”

“Well, you’re a lesbian, aren’t you?” Chloe nodded. “Then… Me, with a dick…even though it’s silicone, it’s not like it’s my fingers or tongue. Isn’t that weird to you?”

Chloe leaned over and kissed Beca on the cheek. “I know that it’s you making love to me, whether it’s with your fingers or a fake penis. As long as it’s you, that’s all that matters. Okay? Now finish checking out so we can go catch lunch with Aubrey.”

 

* * *

 

-present-

A few days later, a package was delivered, containing the strap on and a bottle of lube. Chloe was still at work, but Beca couldn’t wait to see how it looked. She ripped open the shipping box, tore open the box containing the dildo itself, and pulled the harness out of a plastic bag. She practically skipped down the hall to the bathroom, stripping down to just her t-shirt and socks. The instruction sheet for the harness wasn’t very helpful, but after a couple tries, Beca managed to have all the straps in the right order, and pulled it on like a pair of underwear. She made sure it was secured around both legs, and that the straps wouldn’t chafe her groin if she moved around. Once she was satisfied, she pulled the front of the harness away from her body and inserted the dildo. She made sure the base was properly in place, so that the protruding button rested against the top of her folds.

Taking a deep breath and steeling herself, she turned to look at herself in the bathroom mirror. She smiled ear-to-ear, and texted Chloe. _< <baby, I have a surprise for u when u get home>>_

When Chloe walked in the door a couple hours later, she definitely was not expecting a half-naked woman with a giant strap on to be lounging on their couch. She set her keys and purse on the table beside the front door, and hung her scarf and jacket on the coat rack. “So this is the surprise you mentioned then?” She grinned sauntered across the room. Beca smirked and patted her lap. “Why don’t you hop on up here and give this baby a test run?”

Beca’s blue eyes were almost black with desire, and Chloe didn’t think she had ever seen such a fierce confidence in her before. Once she was a foot away from the couch, she turned her back and began stripping. Beca picked up the bottle of lubrication, squeezed out a few drops onto the head of the dildo, and worked it onto the length as she watched her girlfriend get naked piece by piece.

Fully naked, the redhead got on her knees and crawled over to Beca. She ran her hands up and down her calves, and began kissing up Beca’s thighs. She felt her muscles tense, and a hand cupped her chin and forced her to look up into those blazing eyes. “Come up here,” Beca husked. “I need to be inside you, like, yesterday.”

Chloe got up and straddled Beca’s legs, positioning herself above the head of the dildo. The brunette’s hands came up and grabbed her breasts as she dipped her head to lay kisses along Chloe’s collarbone, and the redhead buried her hands within Beca’s hair.

One hand stopped kneading Chloe’s breast to move down her stomach. Beca ran her fingers through the soaked folds and entering just the tip of a finger into Chloe’s core. “God, you’re wet,” Beca growled into her girlfriend’s ear. “Only for you, baby,” Chloe replied. “Now, please, fuck me.”

Needing no further encouragement, Beca grabbed the shaft of the toy and guided it inside Chloe. The older woman gasped and arched her back at the feeling. “Are you ok?”

“Yes,” Chloe gasped again, “Just… not used to feeling… so full. I can take it though. Don’t stop.” At that, Beca raised her hips to meet Chloe’s, pushing as much of the dildo as possible within her. She set a slow, steady pace, using her hold on Chloe’s hips to guide her body up and down along the shaft.

Soon, they were both moaning and saying half-unintelligible words to each other as Chloe’s grinding caused the hard toy to both fill her and rub against Beca’s core. Chloe grabbed and pulled at her own breasts to heighten her pleasure, losing herself in the moment. Beca’s head had fallen back against the couch, her eyes shut as she focused on the sensation against her clit, imagining that this is what having a real dick felt like. Chloe opened her eyes, saw her girlfriend’s bare neck, and leaned her body forward to kiss it. She briefly lost her balance though, as her movement went against the rhythm they’d set, and as she tried to catch herself, one hand fell on the couch next to Beca’s head and the other landed on her chest.

“Ow!” Beca shouted, her eyes flying open.

Chloe stopped moving, and was staring at Beca’s shirt where she had accidentally just hit.

“Bec….” Chloe began, concern on her face.

“What? I’m fine. You barely touched me. We can keep going,” Beca replied. She tried thrusting her hips upward, but Chloe put a hand on her shoulder.

“No. Beca. I barely touched you, but....You’re… you’re bleeding.” Chloe climbed off her lap and started to pull Beca upward with her. “Come on. Let me see what happened.”

Beca’s eyes grew wide with fear. “No! No. It’s fine. I’m fine. Let me go to the bathroom and I’ll take care of it.” She tried to rush past her girlfriend, but the older woman held onto her arm with a vice grip.

“Beca Mitchell. What’s going on?” Chloe’s voice was stern, and she was terrified when Beca refused to look her in the eye.

“Chloe, please, just let me go take care of it. I’m fine.”

The redhead grabbed Beca’s shirt by the hem with both hands and yanked upward. Beca attempted to struggle, but in the end her shirt was off.

She stood there, Beca’s shirt in her fist, and couldn’t believe what she saw. Beca seemed to crumple under her gaze, tears welling up and spilling out. Now Chloe knew, and she couldn’t hide it anymore. She couldn’t hide from her own thoughts anymore.

“Oh my god… Beca, baby, what have you done?”

Angry red lines were scattered all over Beca’s chest, mostly on her breasts. Some looked deep, way too deep, and blood was pooling around the cuts that Chloe had obviously just re-opened by slamming her hand down on them.

Beca still couldn’t look her girlfriend in the face, and felt more nude than just physically naked. When Chloe walked toward her, pulling her into a tight hug, her tears let loose like a flood. She grabbed Chloe’s back and held on, as if for dear life. The redhead tried whispering soothing words, but she was at a complete loss of how to deal with this.

“Bec. Why? What’s so wrong that you … this?” The reply was lost in her shoulder, and Chloe pulled away. “I’m sorry?”

The brunette looked down at her feet, trying to wipe away tears with the shirt she pulled out of Chloe’s hand. “I said, I cut myself because I hate myself. I hate my body. Especially” she gestured toward her breasts “these. I hate them. I wish they’d never grown.” She broke into fresh sobs.

Confused, Chloe took a step back. She looked her girlfriend up and down, taking in the self-injury on her breasts, remembering how confident she had been with her new strap on, and remembering the last few months’ worth of odd behavior. She couldn’t say it, though. What if she was just jumping to conclusions?

Grabbing Beca’s hand, she led her down the hall to their bedroom. She had her sit on the bed, and removed the harness and the strap on from her hips. “Stay there; I’ll be right back, okay?” Beca nodded, and Chloe walked to the bathroom. Upon returning, she set to work on wiping up the cuts and fresh blood on the other woman’s chest. They were silent for a while as Chloe did her work, and once she was all cleaned up and had fresh bandages – covering her entire chest, which Chloe had to force herself to not think about – she went to their closets and pulled fresh clothes out for both of them. Beca dressed herself and Chloe motioned for her to join her under the covers in their bed.

With Chloe on her back, she held Beca close against her side, petting the smaller woman’s hair with one hand. “Okay, baby, it’s time to talk to me. Why do you hate yourself… your body?”

“Chloe, I can’t say it. You’ll hate me. You’ll leave me. I just… I can’t.” Her thin shoulders shook with fresh sobs.

“Beca! Look at me.” Chloe put her hand under Beca’s chin and forced her to look up. “I will _always_ love you. It would take you doing something horrible, like killing a person, for me to stop loving you, okay?” Beca nodded. “Now, please, just tell me what’s wrong.”

The brunette sighed, and in a small voice, said, “I don’t think I was supposed to be born a female.”

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr - bibecamitchell


End file.
